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27/11/2005

How You Can Avoid Sabotaging Your Own Self Esteem

I've been really busy lately, adding a huge self help article library to my website and writing new ones myself ... hence the rather noticeable lack of posting recently.
 
However, I've just posted a full article at my own website about the subject of 'New Age Guilt' and how it might sabotage your self esteem (click the link to read it) and it has got me thinking quite curiously.
 
My thinking about this subject was actually re-stimulated when I was reading another author's article about self confidence and building self esteem ... who was pretty much making the same point.
 
What point?
 
Well, that our predilection for taking the advice of self help 'gurus' has resulted in an overly biased, 'inward looking' approach.
 
Meaning: You are a mess; you created your own mess; you are responsible for creating this mess; AND you are responsible for getting yourself out of this mess!
 
Ouch ...
 
You mean, not only do I feel lousy about myself, but I should feel lousy about the lousy job I'm doing with my life?
 
Yep. (Apparently!)
 
Hmmmm. Nothing worse than feeling guilty about feeling guilty. It's a downward spiral.
 
But how do we overcome this? It is such a wonderful skill to self analyze and discover ways in which we can improve. To have those 'Aha' light-bulb moments.
 
I think it is best to stick to some good old fashioned common sense.
 
I like to use the phrase;
 
"No matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person"
 
It tends to stop the New Age Guilt seeping in, even when the person talking to you is your own nagging new age self.
 
Sure, we should all keep looking for ways to get personal development and self improvement.
 
But don't let any apparent 'lack' in you be the cause of you beating yourself up.
 
It only makes things worse.
 
Oh by the way ... just in case you are now thinking ... "Oh God he's right, what an idiot I have been, beating myself up about my low self esteem, how could I do that, I must stop it, oh I'm such a loser ..."
 
STOP IT!!!!!
 
Look for all the positives and remember, there is always someone worse off than us .... and equally always someone better off. And self inflicted pain as a result of you comparing yourself to others is optional!
 
All the best in your journey!
 
Robert
 
Find out more ways to inflict better self esteem and self confidence on you and your friends ... FREE ... at http://www.selfesteemplus.com/
 
 

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21/11/2005

Self Esteem and Self Confidence: 'Why' and 'How' are they different?

 
How are self esteem and self confidence different? Or are they? And what does it matter anyway?
 
It's really quite an important question as I find, looking through my self esteem website visitor logs, people arrive fairly equally from searches on both phrases.
 
So being clear about the differences and how to improve both, would generally be a very useful thing!
 
Self Esteem:
This is a measure of our 'self worth': The value which we put on ourselves.
 
Here are some things to consider:
  • It seems to be fluid rather than static
  • One could have an overall sense of your self esteem as an individual
  • One could also have high self esteem in some areas and not others (see previous post of 25 Oct 2005)
  • It is influenced by our upbringing, our genetic make-up and events around us
  • One can build self esteem especially by focusing internally on the way you 'process your world'
Self Confidence:
This is a measure of your feeling about your 'ability to carry something out'.
 
It could be related to any area of your life:
  • Your job;
  • Relationships;
  • Dating;
  • Money and wealth;
  • Asking for what you want;
  • Public speaking;
  • Friendship.
As you can see, this is quite different to self esteem.
 
I like to think that self esteem is an underlying cause of quality self confidence. (I also believe there is another type of self confidence which is actually 'bravado' ... but let's save that for a later post! Here I am talking only about deep self confidence.
 
Perhaps it is possible to state that:
Self Esteem = The value you place on yourself
 
Self Confidence = The belief you have in yourself in certain contexts
The Good News.
 
Both can be improved with some simple techniques.
 
Self esteem can be improved by understanding how you value yourself ... here are some basics:
  • What or who do you compare yourself to?
  • How do you talk to yourself?
  • How do you see yourself in your own mind?
  • How do you treat your own past ... as an empowering driving force or as a disaster?
  • Do you exercise to help feel good for no reason?
  • Does your diet help you feel good or feel bad about yourself?
Self confidence can be improved by learning how you set up your own future.
  • Do you 'feel the fear and do it anyway'? Or do you allow fear to paralyze you?
  • How do you reinforce your confidence? Do you beat yourself up because things didn't go as planned or do you reinforce your confidence by focusing on what is working and on continuous improvement?
Whilst the basic two concepts are different, some of the process skills required to improve each of self esteem and self confidence are identical.
 
If you'd like to get some highly specific and practical skills for free, visit my website selfesteemplus and take the free 21-day building self esteem and confidence course. It comes with a free 35-page workbook too.
 
Of course, if you feel you have deep seated psychological issues, then you must always consult a mental health professional in parallel with any self help.
 
All the best for your journey,
 

Robert Scanlon

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04/11/2005

Self Esteem is about saying yes and saying no

I've just finished an awesome book by English comedian Danny Wallace, called "Yes Man". I highly recommend it for anyone wanting to be inspired to rise up from a lackluster, mediocre lifestyle to one of excitement, fortune, love and delightful surprises.
 
Danny is on his way home one day in London when a stoppage on 'The Tube' forces him to be bussed to the next station, along with his fellow passengers. When a mysterious man on the bus sits next to him and tells him he 'should say yes more often', it hits him smack between the eyes ... and he decides to do exactly that.
 
Up until then, Danny's life had been somewhat bland and getting blander. He'd rather stay in and watch TV than go to the pub with mates - which for an Englishman is pretty sad!
 
To find out just what amazing things happened to Danny (in this hilarious true story) after he decided to start saying 'yes' more often, you'll have to buy the book!
 
But it got me thinking about how to start building self esteem just by taking advantage of more opportunities. By saying 'yes' more often to yourself.
  • Yes, I deserve happiness.
  • Yes, I deserve love.
  • Yes, I deserve luck and good fortune.
And 'yes', why not take advantage of more opportunities.
 
Of course, there is also a darker side to this. It is well known that teenagers desperate for love will say 'yes' to sex when they really don't want to, just to feel wanted. And we don't want to encourage that. (In fact in the book Danny is put in the same dilemma!). So a note of care for those who know that low self esteem sometimes results in saying 'yes' for the wrong reasons. More on how to say 'no' in a later blog.
 
But think about what you can say 'yes' to more? Time with your loved ones? An invitation to a cup or teas? Or a lunch invitation?
 
Next time you hear yourself saying "No, I don't think I could ...", think of Danny Wallace "Yes Man", and decide whether saying yes may well take you somewhere you just haven't been before!
 
Say "YES" to life!
 
All the best,
 
 
Robert Scanlon 

11:20 Permalink | Comments (0) | Email this

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