Building Self Esteem

New self esteem article database

2006-07-12T04:00:14+02:00

Just letting you all know that I have been working on building a new article and posting system on my website at: http://articles.instant-self-esteem.com/.

Rather than make frequent "blog-style" posts, I will be releasing full length articles on a regular basis -- you are welcome to subscribe using your RSS reader (and if you don't know what that is or where you can find a free one, you can either read about it here http://www.feedster.com/help/rssopml.php, or try using Firefox (download it at http://www.mozilla.com/firefox/), which has it's own built-in RSS reader, instead of Microsoft Internet Explorer, or you can wait for the new version of Microsoft Internet Explorer (IE7) hopefully later this year which will also have it's own RSS reader.

All the best!

Robert

How To Build Self Esteem By Faking It

2006-04-06T02:04:11+02:00

A while ago (OK, too long, I know, blogs are supposed to be more regular than mine, but I don't want to clutter it with trivia ...) I wrote an article about "How To Get Instant Self Esteem And Self Confidence In The Next 15 Mins" (It's worth reading alongside this blog).

I had been thinking about how important this philosophy is, particularly with some new work I have been undertaking where my own emotional state has been somewhat up and down in the space of a few hours. It being on my mind, I have just sent an article out to my subscribers reminding them of the application of this powerful technique and I thought I would post some thoughts about it on the blog too ...

To summarize, the technique takes on the philosophy that we are essentially "at effect" of our emotional states at any point in the day.

And that these emotional states in turn direct our thoughts and actions (obviously - you feel happy ... so you think happy thoughts and then do fun things).

So if you can influence ... or even deliberately create ... your own emotional states, then it in turn will have a domino effect of creating matching thoughts and actions.

The problem is, when you first start doing it, it feels a little 'fake'.

However ... ALL our emotional states are 'faked' (and I mean this respectfully - they feel 'real' at the time). If they weren't, then how come we can turn them on and off at will - for example by reading a book or watching a movie. When we read a book or watch a movie and come to a sad part or a happy part, don't we in turn feel affected? But it's just fake, right?

Anyway, enough of my preaching to you ... my point is, I have been re-reminded to create my own states ... even when I don't feel like it and I want to wallow around in self pity.

That's the very time to practice 'Being As If'. (Or 'Fake It Til You Make It')

All the best!

Robert

How You Can Avoid Sabotaging Your Own Self Esteem

2005-11-27T11:23:32+01:00

I've been really busy lately, adding a huge self help article library to my website and writing new ones myself ... hence the rather noticeable lack of posting recently.

However, I've just posted a full article at my own website about the subject of 'New Age Guilt' and how it might sabotage your self esteem (click the link to read it) and it has got me thinking quite curiously.

My thinking about this subject was actually re-stimulated when I was reading another author's article about self confidence and building self esteem ... who was pretty much making the same point.

What point?

Well, that our predilection for taking the advice of self help 'gurus' has resulted in an overly biased, 'inward looking' approach.

Meaning: You are a mess; you created your own mess; you are responsible for creating this mess; AND you are responsible for getting yourself out of this mess!

Ouch ...

You mean, not only do I feel lousy about myself, but I should feel lousy about the lousy job I'm doing with my life?

Yep. (Apparently!)

Hmmmm. Nothing worse than feeling guilty about feeling guilty. It's a downward spiral.

But how do we overcome this? It is such a wonderful skill to self analyze and discover ways in which we can improve. To have those 'Aha' light-bulb moments.

I think it is best to stick to some good old fashioned common sense.

I like to use the phrase;

"No matter what you say or do to me, I am still a worthwhile person"

It tends to stop the New Age Guilt seeping in, even when the person talking to you is your own nagging new age self.

Sure, we should all keep looking for ways to get personal development and self improvement.

But don't let any apparent 'lack' in you be the cause of you beating yourself up.

It only makes things worse.

Oh by the way ... just in case you are now thinking ... "Oh God he's right, what an idiot I have been, beating myself up about my low self esteem, how could I do that, I must stop it, oh I'm such a loser ..."

STOP IT!!!!!

Look for all the positives and remember, there is always someone worse off than us .... and equally always someone better off. And self inflicted pain as a result of you comparing yourself to others is optional!

All the best in your journey!

Robert

Find out more ways to inflict better self esteem and self confidence on you and your friends ... FREE ... at http://www.selfesteemplus.com/

Self Esteem and Self Confidence: 'Why' and 'How' are they different?

2005-11-21T07:11:19+01:00

How are self esteem and self confidence different? Or are they? And what does it matter anyway?

It's really quite an important question as I find, looking through my self esteem website visitor logs, people arrive fairly equally from searches on both phrases.

So being clear about the differences and how to improve both, would generally be a very useful thing!

Self Esteem:
This is a measure of our 'self worth': The value which we put on ourselves.

Here are some things to consider:

It seems to be fluid rather than static
One could have an overall sense of your self esteem as an individual
One could also have high self esteem in some areas and not others (see previous post of 25 Oct 2005)
It is influenced by our upbringing, our genetic make-up and events around us
One can build self esteem especially by focusing internally on the way you 'process your world'

Self Confidence:
This is a measure of your feeling about your 'ability to carry something out'.

It could be related to any area of your life:

Your job;
Relationships;
Dating;
Money and wealth;
Asking for what you want;
Public speaking;
Friendship.

As you can see, this is quite different to self esteem.

I like to think that self esteem is an underlying cause of quality self confidence. (I also believe there is another type of self confidence which is actually 'bravado' ... but let's save that for a later post! Here I am talking only about deep self confidence.

Perhaps it is possible to state that:

Self Esteem = The value you place on yourself

Self Confidence = The belief you have in yourself in certain contexts

The Good News.

Both can be improved with some simple techniques.

Self esteem can be improved by understanding how you value yourself ... here are some basics:

What or who do you compare yourself to?
How do you talk to yourself?
How do you see yourself in your own mind?
How do you treat your own past ... as an empowering driving force or as a disaster?
Do you exercise to help feel good for no reason?
Does your diet help you feel good or feel bad about yourself?

Self confidence can be improved by learning how you set up your own future.

Do you 'feel the fear and do it anyway'? Or do you allow fear to paralyze you?
How do you reinforce your confidence? Do you beat yourself up because things didn't go as planned or do you reinforce your confidence by focusing on what is working and on continuous improvement?

Whilst the basic two concepts are different, some of the process skills required to improve each of self esteem and self confidence are identical.

If you'd like to get some highly specific and practical skills for free, visit my website selfesteemplus and take the free 21-day building self esteem and confidence course. It comes with a free 35-page workbook too.

Of course, if you feel you have deep seated psychological issues, then you must always consult a mental health professional in parallel with any self help.

All the best for your journey,

Robert Scanlon

Self Esteem is about saying yes and saying no

2005-11-04T11:20:43+01:00

I've just finished an awesome book by English comedian Danny Wallace, called "Yes Man". I highly recommend it for anyone wanting to be inspired to rise up from a lackluster, mediocre lifestyle to one of excitement, fortune, love and delightful surprises.

Danny is on his way home one day in London when a stoppage on 'The Tube' forces him to be bussed to the next station, along with his fellow passengers. When a mysterious man on the bus sits next to him and tells him he 'should say yes more often', it hits him smack between the eyes ... and he decides to do exactly that.

Up until then, Danny's life had been somewhat bland and getting blander. He'd rather stay in and watch TV than go to the pub with mates - which for an Englishman is pretty sad!

To find out just what amazing things happened to Danny (in this hilarious true story) after he decided to start saying 'yes' more often, you'll have to buy the book!

But it got me thinking about how to start building self esteem just by taking advantage of more opportunities. By saying 'yes' more often to yourself.

Yes, I deserve happiness.
Yes, I deserve love.
Yes, I deserve luck and good fortune.

And 'yes', why not take advantage of more opportunities.

Of course, there is also a darker side to this. It is well known that teenagers desperate for love will say 'yes' to sex when they really don't want to, just to feel wanted. And we don't want to encourage that. (In fact in the book Danny is put in the same dilemma!). So a note of care for those who know that low self esteem sometimes results in saying 'yes' for the wrong reasons. More on how to say 'no' in a later blog.

But think about what you can say 'yes' to more? Time with your loved ones? An invitation to a cup or teas? Or a lunch invitation?

Next time you hear yourself saying "No, I don't think I could ...", think of Danny Wallace "Yes Man", and decide whether saying yes may well take you somewhere you just haven't been before!

Say "YES" to life!

All the best,

Robert Scanlon

Self Esteem and how you use your body

2005-10-24T13:37:59+02:00

Could you describe how someone with low self esteem might stand/hold themselves? Or how they might walk? I know it is a huge generalization and I generally like to avoid those (*grin*), but I am sure you started to picture in your mind the following:

Slumped chest
Drooping shoulders
Bowed head
Shuffling walk

These are all classic 'symptoms' of low self esteem, as seen from the outside.

But what if these were not just symptoms, but a fundamental part of how we maintain low self esteem. What if simply by starting to shift your physiology and 'modeling' that of someone with apparently high self esteem, you were able to slightly but fundamentally shift your thoughts and feelings of self worth?

I have to tell you it will work!

I have had a personal and powerful experience of this, many years ago. It was when I was just starting out in my training, coaching and facilitation business. I felt quite strong 'on stage' as it were, but when meeting with clients - to take a brief - to structure a program - to follow up on results - I often felt inadequate, very 'low-status' compared to them.

One day, whilst walking to a client and having these quite negative thoughts running through my mind, I realized that the 'strong feeling' I had on stage was all to do with being an extremely competent and trusted facilitator and presenter. All I had to do was imagine that, as I walked around the city streets, I was that same facilitator 'on stage'.

The transformation in my body was remarkable. My pace changed. I stood up straighter. I had a knowing smile of understanding. I felt confident!

Nothing was the same after that, something had clicked. Not something major or cathartic, but something fundamental.

Try it for yourself. How would you stand or walk if you were the most confident person you know? You never know. This one small thing could change your life.

If you want to know more techniques for building self esteem and self confidence, feel free to check out http://www.selfesteemplus.com/, it's all free including a 21-day course full of practical techniques.

All the best in your journey!

Robert

Building Self Esteem by asking for what you want ... the right way!

2005-10-19T02:11:21+02:00

One way to building self esteem is to start 'acting as if'.

In other words, 'pretending' that you have high self esteem now - no matter what you think on the inside. But what to say? How to act? Here are some tips and techniques to learn how those with high confidence and high self esteem ask for what they want.

Here are some principles first:

They ask assuming that the answer will be in the positive.
They ask as many times as it takes to get their outcome.
They ask in as many different ways as they can to get their outcome.

Now let's look at some examples:

Low self confidence ...

"I don't suppose you can get the shoe size I am looking for?"

High self confidence ...

"Can you get the shoe size I am looking for by tomorrow?" (Assumes size will be found somewhere; imposes deadline to create urgency)

Even higher self esteem ...

"I'd like you to call me tomorrow when you have the shoe size I am looking for" (Also assumes a request will be fulfilled - contrast this with "Should I call in next week?", which is far less powerful)

Here's another example ...

Low self confidence ...

"The car seems a bit expensive ... can you reduce the price?"

High self confidence ...

"How much will you discount the car for me?"

Even higher self esteem ...

"I'll only be interested in the car when you show me a significant discount. When will you call me?"

Sometimes it takes a deep breath to say something like this that you wouldn't normally say - and that's great practice of course!

Of course you can ask yourself for what you want too ... how about "Which day will I wake up feeling so much more confident ... Thursday or Friday?"

You can learn tons of simple tips and techniques like these by signing up for my FREE Self Esteem Workbook and 21-day Ecourse here.

All the best!